When you think you know everything, you know nothing.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend that you misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

- The Heart Of Life, John Mayer

(Snippet of the lyrics.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygfvt0UBveY&feature=related

If there's anything I enjoy more (usually hate at the time) it's a breakdown experience. It's one of those moments that can last a few days, weeks, maybe longer. It's hard and heartwrenching at the time, but ends in a beauitful awakening. If there's one thing we have to remember it's this:

The only thing that never changes is that everything changes.

I really do not like change. I've come to except it easier, but it's still something that shakes me a little. Once in High School, my teacher wanted to move everyone's seats around. I loved where my seat was in the classroom and who I was seated near. There was no stopping her from doing this. I tried. Believe me. When I got my new seat, I honestly teared up. Looking back it's embarrassing, but I can laugh. Change is inevitable. 

With that said, my life has been changing or shifting lately. It seems as though everyone else's is too. I feel as if it’s coinciding with the shift of seasons that will happen in just a few weeks. We all are a part of this Earth, so why not. My friendships have changed, my home life, work, and love. In this midst of all this change I'm naturally uncomfortable. I believe everything happens for a reason, exactly when it should, so I'm trying to take it all as it comes. What I've learned in this change so far:

Everything I thought I knew has become a little grey.

Or is everything grey? Is there no black and white?

Bottom line, life is forever shifting and changing. Take from the change the beauty. Feel the sadness to grow from it. This is what I am doing. The moment I thought I had it all figured out, I realized I had nothing figured out. There are a lot of variables that get thrown into life. There's emotion, there's those things that get thrown our way out of the blue.

 

Two things I've realized about myself.

One:

I spread myself too thin. By doing this, I accomplish nothing. I once told a friend this pertaining to a guy. "Leave a little piece of your heart for yourself." But, I think this is important to apply this to everything in life. When you give your whole heart, leaving nothing for yourself, you give away your happiness. If there's no happiness in your own heart, you certainly won't find it anywhere else.

Two:

Family. Spending time with family. Of course, family time can be aggravating. Everyone's family gets on their nerves at some point. But, when I'm with them life makes sense. It's easy, happy, refreshing.
Going to Italy really made me realize the value of family time. In Italy, their friends are their family. They sit around for HOURS just talking, joking, or playing. Not playing on phones or watching TV. I came home with a deeper appreciation for my family.
 Living a very single, young life I can honestly say I've neglected the time I could spend with my family to do something "exciting." Now, I'd rather soak up laughter and love with people who will never dismiss me. They will never give up on me. They will never question the person I am.
 My favorite thing in the world is when I hug my sister good-bye (She moved to the State College area for a teaching job and for love.) we hug like we never want to let go. We usually say good-bye three or four times. It usually ends in one of us tearing. The love of family is undying. It doesn't go anywhere. It can survive any storm. Spend time with your family. Hug and kiss the people you love. Appreciate every moment.

 

So...

I've been humbled and a whole hell lot of confused over the past couple weeks. My friend Corey told me, "There's no good. There's no bad. There just is." I've been sitting on this one. I'm thinking it breaks down like this. The good could have come from bad. The good could turn bad. The bad can be beautiful. The bad can turn something or someone good. So, there just is. Everything is everything. (Yes, it's also the title of a Lauryn Hill song. Haha.) So is there black and is there white? In my opinion, no. It's all grey. We are one. We are each other. We can do anything, with anything. "There just is." Kind of a brain teaser, have fun with it. Take from it something you can apply to your life.

I can't be anyone, but myself. I take in everything people give to me or show me. Sometimes I absorb it, sometimes I dismiss it. But at the end of the day, I'm proud of the person I am. I never intentionally hurt anyone. I make mistakes, but always learn from them. I keep my heart open. I believe in myself. I feel as though that is all that can matter. If you believe in who you are, everyone else naturally will as well. Redefine yourself to become a greater version of you.

I'm doing this. I'm embracing the bumps along the road. I'm learning from everyone I meet. I truly feel that people come into our lives for a purpose. They have something to "give" us. It's easy to get mad; it's easy to let people go. I've been taking the harder route to dive into the confusing situations to really figure out what I'm suppose to gain from the relationships.

I'm going to conclude this rambling of a blog with this...

Live a whole lot.

Travel. Talk to strangers. Engage in meaningful conversation. Enjoy the precious moments in your life with the precious people in your life. Love with all of your heart while saving that little piece for yourself. Listen instead of talking sometimes. Allow someone to teach you something. Break down your walls to let people in. Laugh, a lot! And never, ever forget the hugs and kisses.




Forever Love.

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BrittyLoveNotes

This section is where I'm going to leave tid bits of information. Whatever it may be, remember to take it or leave it. I'm just putting it out there.

""If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live?"

Sesame seeds are a complete protein and contain calcium.

Algae is the highest nutrient rich food on this planet. It protects life, is the highest protein, and prolongs life.

Blue-green algae actually created all life on Earth.

(I drink blue-green algae in my green juice. You can Google E3Live and learn more about it!)

If you have dark circle under your eyes, it is mostly likely because of problems in the liver or gallbladder. If your eye circles are puffy, check on your kidneys.

The closer to the ocean you find a coconut, the sweeter it will be.

1% of your day should be spent talking about food and money. (Absorb that one!)

Before WWII, there was nothing but organic food.

Sharing other people's problems or diseases makes it much harder for that person to get over it.

Ohhh, I have so many of these fun tid bits. I can't wait to keep sharing them!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Side Notes:

The other Sunday I went to the shore for the day with my Dad.

These are a few pictures I took. :)

My Daddy.

This past weekend we took a family trip up to visit my sister.

Pants I found hanging on a wall.

Buy local. Buy fresh.

Just an ordinary day.

If you're ever near State College, find this place. The food is amazing. You won't be disappointed.

Fun. :)

Addison learned how to jump a log!

Action shots!

Dad, Olivia, and I. With our bags of dirt to sift for gems!

With our Mommy.

I love this picture.

Cool hats, don't you think so? Haha.

I love this one too.

I felt like (and was kind of nerdy hoping) I was going in Batman's Bat Cave.

Penn's Cave was REALLY cool. Go if you're up that way. It's so worth it.

A spider web Olivia pointed out to me.

A few rain drops on a flower. :)

JULY 28, 2011

Giuliana Rosaria

was born

7 lbs 10 Ounces

to

Vito and Sandra Russo

I get to be this precious perfect bundle of joy's Godmother. <3

Upon a weak heart, lies the strength to soar.

This blog is me sharing everything you should keep secret. If you ask any of my closest friends, they'll tell you I'm a big believer in "open" conversation. This means discussing everything that lies upon your heart you're told to keep quiet or society has trained you to shove deep down inside of your soul. The one thing most people don't know or realize is, it's where disease truly starts. That would be in the mind. I urge, encourage, and annoyingly try to get the ones I love (and strangers for that matter) to talk about everything they don't want to.

I do this with knowledge of just how hard it is. For me to unveil what was heaviest on my heart I had to realize I wasn't alone. I had to realize everyone has hurt like me at some point in their life. Somewhere along the way, every person has been touched with a sadness that has never left. Our hearts feel, but also forever absorb the experiences we go through. Like I try to encourage those that come into my life, I'm going to try to encourage anyone reading this. Please, I beg of you, recognize those deep rooted hurts that lie dormant inside of you. Unleash them into your hearts and feel every emotion that may come with it. After every storm, the sun shines a little brighter. I'm not lying to you. I know. I've been through a hurricane.

Enjoy. Embrace.

Take flight, free your heart.

This is me. In the raw.

Being honest with you. Being honest with myself.

My storm came at the age of thirteen. Well, I was twelve turning thirteen. Bluntly, I was sexually abused by my twenty nine year old horse trainer. Immediately, everyone's reactions are "I'm sorry." or they question it and want to hear all the details. Well, I'll tell you this, there's nothing I haven't heard or have been asked pertaining to the situation.

I actually had a family member of mine ask me, "Well, did you like it?" As a thirteen year old child confused and lost in the entire situation, words wouldn't come out of my mouth. To that, there's was nothing to say. Why? Because I was a child, who had never had attention from a boy, let alone a man. I was coming into my teenage years. I was manipulated down to the core. So, as twenty-two year old me I answer that question, with full understanding of the situation, and say yes. Of course. How could I not like the attention, the special treatment, the whirlwind of bullshit that was feed to me making me feel like the sun shined out of my ass. He promised me things. He told me he loved me. And, I believed it all.

My saving grace: Oprah.
After school one day, I happened to turn on Oprah to watch with my sister. The show was all about sex offenders. She even had a convicted offender on there to interview. As he began to explain the process that occurs in every sexual predators agenda, the tears began uncontrollably falling from my eyes. Silently I escaped to my bedroom to sob, I didn't want my sister to ask what was wrong. It was in that moment I realized I had been being sexually abused. The realization sparked a feeling of freedom. However, this was only me stepping into the roller coaster ride I was getting on. 

Detectives, District Attorneys, & Court. 
Going to the police station to deliver a statement felt like I had fallen into a black hole after smacking my head on a rock, blacking out. Dazed and confused. Scared and sad. I was plainly lost. In my heart and mind. In my statement I left out a major part, feeling like I was betraying my abuser even though I had full knowledge of the wrongness and severity of it all. Even though I voluntarily confessed it all to begin with. Being manipulated for months and months, there was a feeling of guilt I had for "telling" on him. I later confessed that portion of my abuse to my mother, which was all that mattered in my heart.

I'll tell you what, having to leave ninth grade early for court hearings wasn't fun. The worst part was explaining or trying to think of an excuse to tell my teachers. (They always managed to ask why I was leaving the days it was for court.) Court, for me, was the worst part about the entire situation. My character was questioned. I was screamed at by his lawyer in the court room. I walked out of there feeling like a puddle of nothingness. He was found not guilty. This, I feel was due to the fact that my case was combined with another girls and we had a DA, not our own lawyer. I've seen him at horse shows the  years following, around his young daughter and wife. That is life in full effect.

The Aftermath.
My mother is simply a guardian angel. Throughout the entire process she caught my tears, fought for me like a pit bull and, sadly, felt every emotion I was feeling. Until the day I die, I will forever appreciate how she stood by my side. If it wasn't for her, I might be half alive right now due to emotional stress.

My Family. A love like no other.

Therapy: My Mom encouraged me to seek therapy for everything I had went through. Once the first appointment was made, I sat through class all day anticipating the moment I'd have to sit in a chair across from a stranger to spew everything I didn't want to tell anyone. Once we arrived to the therapist office, I sat in the car to cry for about ten minutes before regaining courage to walk through the doors. After getting used to the sessions, I looked forward to getting it all off my chest. The issue I was having the hardest time with, was feeling like it was all my fault. It took me a while to get passed that.

The After, Aftermath.
Here I am, years later living life. Cleared from therapy years ago. Here I am, living this life feeling just fine. Then last fall I found myself at an emotional, almost breaking point with life. Needing an escape, answers, anything, I asked to go to Hippocrates Health Institute for my Christmas present. There I found my wounds re-opened, only to come out feeling better than I ever had about my sexual abuse. I didn't go there to heal from it, I had thought I'd done that already. Through unsafe conversations with strangers going through any and everything you could possibly imagine, it began to seep out of my heart. There I got to go through regressive memory therapy. During this, I got to go back into my bad memories to turn them into positive ones. That day was the day. I had found freedom. I could soar.


So Here I Am.
I ask this of you strongly. Do not feel sorry for me. Do not wish it never happened to me, because I don't. Living an experience of such has supplied me with tools to help others I may never have gained without going through it. I am thankful for every piece of it. If not for it, I may not have been on such a hunt to free my heart and in return form it into what I am now.

So when I speak of healing, I come from a place of knowledge. When you feel like life can't get any worse, appreciate those bad times because I can guarantee you life will only be more beautiful after your storms. My friends call me rainbows and butterflies. I haven't always been rainbows and butterflies. It's taken me years, tears, and a shit ton of "seeking" to become who I can say I am proud to be today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most of you are probably thinking, "Why would you tell everyone all this? The real question should be, "Why wouldn't you tell everyone this?" I don't anyone to ever feel alone. I want everyone to realize a few things.

The Lessons In All of This:

Keep no secrets.

Speak to yourself, friends and family from your heart. Secrets will only fester, to make you literally sick one day. This is fact. 

Don't judge anyone, ever.

At the end of the day, we all hurt, love and want to be loved. Take your meaningless judgements you want to put on someone else and ask yourself, "What is it I'm judging them for that is actually my personal issue?" You NEVER know the journey a person has been on. Be kind with your words and thoughts, please.

Feel whatever emotions you may have.

When you feel an emotion in it's entirety as it comes, it makes it easier to accept it and leave it behind. You then can smile. Your feelings are there to feel, so do so. Embrace what's in your heart. (Especially the pit of your heart, where you SHOVE everything.)

Above all, know you can come to me. My heart and ears are open to whoever may need them. Once I realized I wasn't alone, it was easier to feel alive again. You are never alone.

SIDE NOTES:

My Goddaughter is being born on Thursday! I've been waiting for this for months. (Obviously) I'm honored, nervous, and extremly excited!

The parents. Vito and Sandra Russo.

(Who I went to Italy with!)



Went White Water Rafting with friends Sunday. (HIGHLY RECCOMENNED)

Took a few pictures:

Corey and Jorge.

These sunglasses. :)



Forever Love.

What makes my heart feel vivacious.

First and foremost, my blogs aren't going to be simple and mindless. I have a lot to share with the world. Some, if not all, of what I have to say will be on another level. Read with an open heart and mind. I'm also going to share things most people wouldn't. I want to make a change in this life I've been given. I feel this may be the best place to start right now.

Enjoy. Embrace.

Here and now.
 

Last night, once again, I was presented with a situation that left me to take a stand on how I feel about who I am. The kind of person an individual is shows through their actions. Don't get me wrong, it has taken my whole twenty-two years to get to where I am as a person. This will only continue to blossom. There's always something to learn.

This is how I truly feel.

~ Every single person needs to be honest with themselves at all times.

~ Once you can be honest with yourself, be honest with your friends, family, and well everyone. Always.

~ Not knowing hurts more than knowing.

~ Don't conform to what everyone else is doing. Be original. (This has taken me years to realize.)

~ Stray not from who you are, stray from who you never want to be.

~ Everything in life is simple. Our minds are what complicates everything.

~ Fear is the idea of fear. What you're "fearful" of isn't even scary.

(These are just a few. Believe me, there's plenty more to come.)

 

I'm defining and refining who I am on a daily basis. I consider myself a "seeker". If you've got something meaningful, insightful, or simply beautiful to share with me, I want it. When people attend my funeral when I leave this Earth at a beautiful eighty five years young, the one thing I want to be said is, She created a positive change in the world. This world is a better place because the things she knew others did not, she shared to help people become the best they were meant to be.

Change starts small. I'm starting here for now. Where this all goes, I have no idea.



Side note:

Watched Batman Begins with one of my best friends, Corey Miller, the other night. Watching a movie with him means feeling the movie they way it was intended to. If you've never seen it, watch it  feel it. Absorb every meaningful message, quote, scene. The quote I loved the most was, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." Seep this into your skin, feel it for all it is.




For today, the beginning of my blog journey, I will leave you with this: 

"If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely."

And now a few fun pictures of the beautiful snippets of my life. 

While washing my water bottle this morning, this bubble formed.

Green Juice. I drink 16 ounces of this for breakfast every morning.

 Breakfast of champions?, the only kind.

(And, yes, I drink it out of a mason jar.)

My white ink tattoo. Originally got it done in NYC when I lived there.

Had it ruined once after that. Got it fixed after that.

Love.

My beautiful sister Olivia the day she picked up her puppy.

Addison is now huge. Oh, she'll be all over my blogs. It's my fur-Godchild.

Francesco's third birthday cupcake.

He was so happy when his Mom and I were singing to him.