Curiosity Hasn't Killed This Cat.

It's been quite a while since I have wrote to my fellow blog readers! A LOT has been going on...So let me cover some ground in this one. :) 

Firstly, I moved out! 

I've been wanting to do this since I moved home from New York City! I found myself a quirky, perfect one bedroom apartment right in Bensalem! 

My Dad and Mom went with me to get my first Christmas tree, then helped me decorate it! Here's a little ornament picture! 

And in my cool ass apartment, I have a fake fireplace. (Which is my favorite thing!) So I made a cool chalkboard to rest on the mantle. All of my beautiful friends and my two cousins wrote on it. Now I feel like I can't ever erase it. 

And one of my other loves, my album collection, has a beautiful home here as well. I need to find something decorative and cool to store them in eventually. I'm kind of going to let it find me though. 

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SO, now on to the juice of my life for the past few months. 

It's been since September...wow has a lot been going on. I can't even believe The Season Of Love is here. Christmas Day is two days away... 

It's about time I unleash on you beautiful people some of my juicy love life secrets. I don't believe in hiding how you feel or what's going on inside your head, so I'm certainly not going to hold back. 

There's a lot of catching up to do. I'll just start from an important part. ;) 

Musically Bound, Forever.

"Well, I've played the game before. And the wisdom I'm passing on to you. Cause Love is so much more, more than just a crazy game."

My love life certainly has been a roller coaster. A mild one for those viewing from the outside. But from here, inside my heart, I have been on the ride of my life.

 I'd have to say one of the hardest experiences I've had to deal with was falling for a friend. It's easy to catch feelings for someone when you hang out with them everyday. It's even easier to catch feelings when  they're one of the most beautiful men you have met in your life. Driving yourself literally insane because you can't imagine how to express to them what they mean in your heart is exhausting. Connecting with a person, that forms into romantic feelings is more than physical. It's agreeing on points about life, it's picturing them in the future taking life by the horns, its laughing, loving, understanding and having a special aspect of life to love together. 

"Time can always heal a broken heart, when you know in your mind he still holds a part."

My story may not have ended the way I wanted it to at the time, but it ended the way it naturally was supposed to. You love, learn and move forth. Our friendship hasn't skipped a beat. I actually feel it's a better friendship because there's a mutual love and respect from a different point of view. I'm blessed and thankful. It's not everyday you get to keep someone you laid such deep feelings for, to love forever.

Moving on from that was simple because it was all handled with complete maturity. Lay it out, hug it out, move on. Life can't be lived with your feelings chained up inside. Nothing good can come from that, ever. Putting it all out on the line sets you free. You'll never ask why or say what if. 

"There comes a time in every life, love will come your way. And if it should stay, you better hold onto it tight. And never let it go, not love. It's a shinning star that's here to guide you. Every lover knows, you've got to hold onto the feeling inside you. Let the feeling flow and I'm sure love will grow."

Mr. Fantasy

After putting that to rest, I happened to have an opportunity to go on a date with a long time crush of mine. It has been, by far, one of my favorite first dates. We danced, laughed, danced, laughed, talked music, listened to music. Picture this: Beautiful summer night, dressed, out in the city with the guy you've crushed on for about four years. (Who happens to be older. Major plus!) He holds your hand, walks on the correct side of the street and looks into your eyes touching your heart not skimming the surface. Wow. 


Ok, ok...you're wondering well...what was the second date like. Where'd it go from there? Me being me, freaked out and backed away a few days later. Ha, I'm ridiculous. But, anyhow, it wasn't going to work for various reasons. Boy, was it dreamy...


We have a joke we were once married in a past life. He's one of my greatest friends. 

"Cause nothing compares to you."

And The Ride Continues: 

In the midst of all this I had a (different) friend of mine, who fell for me. Or liked me. However you want to put it. It took months to cultivate. I had things, or a person, to let go of. He and I, well I can't explain it...
Rock and roll "bad boy" who speaks another language. Come on...every girl's dream. I couldn't settle myself on him, I'm still not sure why... He seems so happy now. That's all that really matters. I'll always adore him because he truly is uniquely wonderful. His heart is filled with love. He's a catch, a pure soul. 

"This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working one. Can't seem to hold you like I want to so I can feel you in my arms. Nobody's gonna come and save you, we've pulled to many false alarms. We're going down and you can see it too. We're going down and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room."

I certainly do miss our musical conversations. Musical bonds for me are huge, therefore not easily disposable. The last three guys I've mentioned have shared with me their love for music which is forever ingrained in my heart. No matter where I am, I'll have that piece of them. I'll cherish it my entire life. 


Once I let that cat and mouse game go, finally, I made the big decision to move on. I had to release him from my personal confusion. I was searching for growth. Building my makeup business and a life to call my own. 

Hi, Mr. Lonely. Come on in. 

Living on your own sparks all kinds of emotions. Loneliness certainly crept up on me. I've met Mr. Lonely before. He never stays very long. I welcome him in, make him a cup of tea and then interrogate him. By doing this I realize I've never been lonely. So I then return to my happiness. However, I did realize it may be time to allow someone to hold my heart again. 


Out of curiosity, I joined Match.com for a maybe two weeks. I met one guy from it. Which is a whole other story in itself. Haha. Ahh, what the hell...here it is: 

We meet at Chickies-Parx on his thirtieth birthday night. (Bad news bears. Of course he wants to get wasted.) We sit down, I'm trying not to stare at his mild snaggle tooth (Big deal for me. Bad teeth are an immediate DB, deal breaker), he orders a beer and two shots. (YIKES!) He's adorable, dresses nice...plus, plus. Drinking, snaggle tooth...MINUS,MINUS. Whatever, go big or go home. My friends are at Three Sixty in Parx, so we go to dance. And continue to drink of course. (What was I thinking. Well, I knew I'd never see him again so I didn't care.) Being the dancer I love to be, I drag him out on the dance floor. Wasted and flinging myself about. I pull my let me just wrap my leg around you and expect you to be ready even though you're wasted move. BOOM. I go down on the dance floor. Then there's a bouncer standing over me making sure I'm ok. Haha. Anyway....DISASTER. He texts me the next day to hang out, I politely decline. 

There's no way in hell.

DISCLAIMER: Ladies, do not drink nor allow your date to get drunk. Keep it classy, especially if you're looking for love. Two drink minimum. Thank you Patti Stanger.

Thank you Match.com for a fantastically embarrassing funny story. Subscription, canceled. 

Besides those stories, I have had some fantastic one night dates... 


Had a total muscle bound hottie take me on a Habatichi dinner date. What a sweetheart. 


Also had a friend of mine take me out to my favorite, not cheap, restaurant in the city. I didn't consider it a date, however, I'm pretty sure it was. Whatever it was, I had an amazing time. :)

Possibly...

And now "seeing" a Mr. Wonderful. A possible keeper. (If I decide I'm even ready for that.) A gentlemen to the extreme. Naturally, I'm nervous. However, I'm more excited. He's adventurous, yet grounded. Loaded with compassion, sincere and giving to the core. And, he's got a nice big truck. (Major plus in my book.) He's got a little country in him, a lot of hard worker, and tons of hobbies/toys to keep himself occupied (and leaves me plenty of time for my horses and friends)...We shall see...  :) 

To be continued.....
(And I shall keep you informed.) 


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A friend of mine submitted a short date story for some comic, relief. As a person who can't stand Jersey Shore, I find this story extremely funny. 

"I went to the bar a few months ago with one of my friends. We were dancing alone and then a guy came up to me, so we started talking. He introduced me to his friends but, his one friend kind of stuck out. He was really good looking, with his Ed Hardy nonsense, blowout...but I thought nothing of it. He seemed interesting, Italian, tall, dark, very handsome, dressed like a Guido but whatever. He was telling me how he's from South Philly, similar to my family. Told me his name was Jionni, he lives alone, works in construction...blah blah. So, we exchanged numbers. We talked for a few days nonstop. He finally asked me to go on a date to South Street. I told him I would rather meet him there. So we met at the parking lot. We walked around South Street, he wanted to hold hands which I thought was awkward...but oh well. We found something to eat. At dinner, Jersey Shore was brought up. He was dead  serious, 100% not lying when he said this...His idol is Mike the situation. He wants to be just like him. He said he has pictures up of him on his wall...THEN decides to tell me...his name is JOHN...from West Chester, had no family in South Philly, he still lives at home with his family...and is a painter. THEN proceeds to ask me to throw in $10 to the tab. I paid, told him I was tired...and went home. Then deleted his number. 

Just my luck. Typical tool."

- Lauren Aninsman

THANKS LAUREN!

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Happy Holidays Beautiful Blog Readers! 

I love you all. I wish you and your families the happiest of holidays! 

Be safe, be merry. 

Until next time.......

Forever Love, 

Brittany 

Time cast a spell on you.

"You could be my silver spring,

Blue green colors flashing.

I would be your only dream,

Your shining armor, ocean crashing."

(Fleetwood Mac - Silver Spring)

Here I am, flicking back and forth between Easy A and Eat Pray Love while waiting for this thunderstorm to start (becuase I have a new found obession with the rain). Oh how this sum up my life at the current moment. I've been on this continuous journey of finding peace in my heart and balance in my life. I've also been on this continuous quest to define love and hopefully find it. While flicking from movie to movie I realized that my thoughts about all this were probably something I should share with my blog reading friends. What I'm about to say I can say knowing with confidence, I'm not the only one. 

What I have to say to you beautiful people is quite the assortment of my jumbled thoughts about life and love. 

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." 

Firstly, I'm watching Eat Pray Love. In this movie she divorces her husband who can't simply understand why. Well, she never gives him an explanation. And in this movie she is told she has to stop waiting for him to forgive her. She has to simply forgive herself first. This takes me back to my first love. My only love this far in life. Most people know I was in an almost four year long relationship. Our relationship ended in me completely breaking his heart. I never really knew how bad I broke it until we finally talked a year later and he shared how bad he hurt from it. I've carried around a lot of guilt about it. I would always say "I know I broke his heart." Long story short after a year of not talking I wrote him a letter before I moved to New York City. We ended up talking again and "rekindling" what we once had. However, this version of it was very different. The second time around thing just wasn't going to work. He has forgiven me for breaking his heart and is clearly over it. I'm starting to realize I haven't quite forgiven myself for hurting someone else so much. I'm kind of thinking out loud here, but I think if I forgive myself for hurting someone else I can love again. 

It's been almost three years since that relationship. I haven't been in any other ones. I mean flings and what not, yes. But a real, full throttle relationship...hell no. If you're reading this and are a guy I've associated with in  a romantic way, you'll know this to be true. Whenever a guy tries to get close to me, I push him directly into the friend zone. I strap the finest sneakers on my brain and run any emotions or thoughts about that person right away. I find every reason I can create in my mind, a justification as to why it's not right before I've even planted the idea properly. So, I'm going to try to forgive myself for breaking a person's heart that would have loved me the rest of my life, even though it wasn't a healthy relationship. I'm going to send my ex a little love and light whenever he crosses my mind. Simply, I do not want to be responsible for hurting someone's heart the way I did again, even though it had to be done. I guess we can all be a little too hard on ourselves. If you are realizing what I am, forgive yourself. It may not be easy, but it has to be done in order to move forward. And if the shoe is on the other foot, forgive your ex for breaking your heart. I'm sure you cross their mind from time to time and they didn't really want to shove a knife into your heart. 

"Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth."

(I don't know why this section is white, I didn't do it on purpose. Ugh.)

Then, I flip the channel. Easy A is full of life lessons while distracting you with some comic relief. In the movie Olive Penderghast says:

“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Huges did not direct my life.”

This whole 80's movie idea has me thinking, well reassuring how I feel about the way men and women interact nowadays. At the end of the movie the guy she has had a crush on since eighth grade shows up on a lawn mower holding up speakers (playing eighties music, of course.) to woo her. On a serious, honest level I  have guys interested in me that all have something to offer, but they get so lost in this world of technology. With that somehow their manhood seems to disappear. I'm not saying all this being a bitch, I'm simply stating an opinion from a women's point of view. I had a guy last summer whose eye I caught. One of the reasons he sparked my curiosity was due to the fact he actually picked up the phone. I was lucky enough to have lived life before this whole texting world took off. I remember only having the option to call someone. You talked on the phone for hours about nothing, just to feel close. That's where a connection is made, from REAL communication. Not all this texting or Facebooking nonsense. 

My gripe in a nutshell is that guys have somehow lost that instinct that comes with being a man. I'm not talking about starting fights, carrying cases of beer or any of that jersey shore muscle bullshit. I'm talking showing up at a girl's house with a bouquet of flowers just to tell her she's beautiful. I'm talking a long drive just to converse and listen to good music, not even caring if you get that kiss. That manliness where you grab a women, tell her she's gorgeous and kiss her because you want to. Every girl wants a man to be a man. It is what it is. Men are men, women are women. Somehow, with all this women's rights stuff we've forgot about our men. They want to be loved just like we do, but we've managed to make them feel like their role as a man isn't as important. 

My friend and I always joke around about putting us women back in the kitchen. But, in all seriousness, it'd be nice for men to leave their computer screen or cell phone keyboards to indulge in some good old fashion chivalry with a touch of persistence. On my quest to define love, I've come to realized that maybe it isn't always that love at first sight thing. I think it grows out of connection. When your heart just can't stop smiling because it can feel how special that other person treats you. 

I wish we could all unplug sometimes. Step away from these computer screens and remember what it is to play in the grass in bare feet. When that day comes, love will be able to shine. Divorce wouldn't be so apparent because people would have less of a chance to stalk peoples Facebook's fantasizing about how green the grass is on the other side. 

There you have it, my compilation of thoughts triggered by the movies that pulled my attention. In Eat Pray Love there's a part where the main character gets told if she just cleared her mind from all the nonsense there's a doorway where the universe would just rush in. This leads me to believe that these movies were on just so I could be drawn to them to cause this little ephiany. 

One last thought and then I'll leave you with some side notes and tid bits. 

Maybe instead of this blame game we like to put on each other, we could work together. Males think females are the root of all evil and females think this of males. Let's love together. Play your role as nature intended and see how quickly love can bloom. 

"We're all in this together."  

Forever Love

and buckets of sunshie

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BrittyLoveNotes

Try saying this to yourself:

"I love and repect myself. I'm happy to be alive."

Most heavily sprayed crops are fruit.

When food doesn't digest, it decomposes in your body. If it doesn't decompose, it becomes septic.

The sickest nations in the world eat red meat.

Our ancestors were nomadic. They did this to eat. 

Everything works on vibration, frequency and light.

Jewelry was originally created for therapeutic reasons.

Children now eat double their weight in sugar in a year.

Hormones are a chemical language how cells communicate.

Aguave has more sugar in it than regular sugar.

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Side Notes

I'm finally getting the lead out of me and am kick starting my makeup business. 

If you didn't know, I went to school in New York City to become a professional makeup artist. 

Find my page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brittany-Renee-Makeup-Artist/254017201285198

LIKE it! 

Contact me for appointments. And don't forget to tell your friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, friend's friends (okay you get the point) all about me. :) 

I want everyone to feel as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. 

When you think you know everything, you know nothing.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend that you misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

- The Heart Of Life, John Mayer

(Snippet of the lyrics.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygfvt0UBveY&feature=related

If there's anything I enjoy more (usually hate at the time) it's a breakdown experience. It's one of those moments that can last a few days, weeks, maybe longer. It's hard and heartwrenching at the time, but ends in a beauitful awakening. If there's one thing we have to remember it's this:

The only thing that never changes is that everything changes.

I really do not like change. I've come to except it easier, but it's still something that shakes me a little. Once in High School, my teacher wanted to move everyone's seats around. I loved where my seat was in the classroom and who I was seated near. There was no stopping her from doing this. I tried. Believe me. When I got my new seat, I honestly teared up. Looking back it's embarrassing, but I can laugh. Change is inevitable. 

With that said, my life has been changing or shifting lately. It seems as though everyone else's is too. I feel as if it’s coinciding with the shift of seasons that will happen in just a few weeks. We all are a part of this Earth, so why not. My friendships have changed, my home life, work, and love. In this midst of all this change I'm naturally uncomfortable. I believe everything happens for a reason, exactly when it should, so I'm trying to take it all as it comes. What I've learned in this change so far:

Everything I thought I knew has become a little grey.

Or is everything grey? Is there no black and white?

Bottom line, life is forever shifting and changing. Take from the change the beauty. Feel the sadness to grow from it. This is what I am doing. The moment I thought I had it all figured out, I realized I had nothing figured out. There are a lot of variables that get thrown into life. There's emotion, there's those things that get thrown our way out of the blue.

 

Two things I've realized about myself.

One:

I spread myself too thin. By doing this, I accomplish nothing. I once told a friend this pertaining to a guy. "Leave a little piece of your heart for yourself." But, I think this is important to apply this to everything in life. When you give your whole heart, leaving nothing for yourself, you give away your happiness. If there's no happiness in your own heart, you certainly won't find it anywhere else.

Two:

Family. Spending time with family. Of course, family time can be aggravating. Everyone's family gets on their nerves at some point. But, when I'm with them life makes sense. It's easy, happy, refreshing.
Going to Italy really made me realize the value of family time. In Italy, their friends are their family. They sit around for HOURS just talking, joking, or playing. Not playing on phones or watching TV. I came home with a deeper appreciation for my family.
 Living a very single, young life I can honestly say I've neglected the time I could spend with my family to do something "exciting." Now, I'd rather soak up laughter and love with people who will never dismiss me. They will never give up on me. They will never question the person I am.
 My favorite thing in the world is when I hug my sister good-bye (She moved to the State College area for a teaching job and for love.) we hug like we never want to let go. We usually say good-bye three or four times. It usually ends in one of us tearing. The love of family is undying. It doesn't go anywhere. It can survive any storm. Spend time with your family. Hug and kiss the people you love. Appreciate every moment.

 

So...

I've been humbled and a whole hell lot of confused over the past couple weeks. My friend Corey told me, "There's no good. There's no bad. There just is." I've been sitting on this one. I'm thinking it breaks down like this. The good could have come from bad. The good could turn bad. The bad can be beautiful. The bad can turn something or someone good. So, there just is. Everything is everything. (Yes, it's also the title of a Lauryn Hill song. Haha.) So is there black and is there white? In my opinion, no. It's all grey. We are one. We are each other. We can do anything, with anything. "There just is." Kind of a brain teaser, have fun with it. Take from it something you can apply to your life.

I can't be anyone, but myself. I take in everything people give to me or show me. Sometimes I absorb it, sometimes I dismiss it. But at the end of the day, I'm proud of the person I am. I never intentionally hurt anyone. I make mistakes, but always learn from them. I keep my heart open. I believe in myself. I feel as though that is all that can matter. If you believe in who you are, everyone else naturally will as well. Redefine yourself to become a greater version of you.

I'm doing this. I'm embracing the bumps along the road. I'm learning from everyone I meet. I truly feel that people come into our lives for a purpose. They have something to "give" us. It's easy to get mad; it's easy to let people go. I've been taking the harder route to dive into the confusing situations to really figure out what I'm suppose to gain from the relationships.

I'm going to conclude this rambling of a blog with this...

Live a whole lot.

Travel. Talk to strangers. Engage in meaningful conversation. Enjoy the precious moments in your life with the precious people in your life. Love with all of your heart while saving that little piece for yourself. Listen instead of talking sometimes. Allow someone to teach you something. Break down your walls to let people in. Laugh, a lot! And never, ever forget the hugs and kisses.




Forever Love.

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BrittyLoveNotes

This section is where I'm going to leave tid bits of information. Whatever it may be, remember to take it or leave it. I'm just putting it out there.

""If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live?"

Sesame seeds are a complete protein and contain calcium.

Algae is the highest nutrient rich food on this planet. It protects life, is the highest protein, and prolongs life.

Blue-green algae actually created all life on Earth.

(I drink blue-green algae in my green juice. You can Google E3Live and learn more about it!)

If you have dark circle under your eyes, it is mostly likely because of problems in the liver or gallbladder. If your eye circles are puffy, check on your kidneys.

The closer to the ocean you find a coconut, the sweeter it will be.

1% of your day should be spent talking about food and money. (Absorb that one!)

Before WWII, there was nothing but organic food.

Sharing other people's problems or diseases makes it much harder for that person to get over it.

Ohhh, I have so many of these fun tid bits. I can't wait to keep sharing them!


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Side Notes:

The other Sunday I went to the shore for the day with my Dad.

These are a few pictures I took. :)

My Daddy.

This past weekend we took a family trip up to visit my sister.

Pants I found hanging on a wall.

Buy local. Buy fresh.

Just an ordinary day.

If you're ever near State College, find this place. The food is amazing. You won't be disappointed.

Fun. :)

Addison learned how to jump a log!

Action shots!

Dad, Olivia, and I. With our bags of dirt to sift for gems!

With our Mommy.

I love this picture.

Cool hats, don't you think so? Haha.

I love this one too.

I felt like (and was kind of nerdy hoping) I was going in Batman's Bat Cave.

Penn's Cave was REALLY cool. Go if you're up that way. It's so worth it.

A spider web Olivia pointed out to me.

A few rain drops on a flower. :)

JULY 28, 2011

Giuliana Rosaria

was born

7 lbs 10 Ounces

to

Vito and Sandra Russo

I get to be this precious perfect bundle of joy's Godmother. <3

Upon a weak heart, lies the strength to soar.

This blog is me sharing everything you should keep secret. If you ask any of my closest friends, they'll tell you I'm a big believer in "open" conversation. This means discussing everything that lies upon your heart you're told to keep quiet or society has trained you to shove deep down inside of your soul. The one thing most people don't know or realize is, it's where disease truly starts. That would be in the mind. I urge, encourage, and annoyingly try to get the ones I love (and strangers for that matter) to talk about everything they don't want to.

I do this with knowledge of just how hard it is. For me to unveil what was heaviest on my heart I had to realize I wasn't alone. I had to realize everyone has hurt like me at some point in their life. Somewhere along the way, every person has been touched with a sadness that has never left. Our hearts feel, but also forever absorb the experiences we go through. Like I try to encourage those that come into my life, I'm going to try to encourage anyone reading this. Please, I beg of you, recognize those deep rooted hurts that lie dormant inside of you. Unleash them into your hearts and feel every emotion that may come with it. After every storm, the sun shines a little brighter. I'm not lying to you. I know. I've been through a hurricane.

Enjoy. Embrace.

Take flight, free your heart.

This is me. In the raw.

Being honest with you. Being honest with myself.

My storm came at the age of thirteen. Well, I was twelve turning thirteen. Bluntly, I was sexually abused by my twenty nine year old horse trainer. Immediately, everyone's reactions are "I'm sorry." or they question it and want to hear all the details. Well, I'll tell you this, there's nothing I haven't heard or have been asked pertaining to the situation.

I actually had a family member of mine ask me, "Well, did you like it?" As a thirteen year old child confused and lost in the entire situation, words wouldn't come out of my mouth. To that, there's was nothing to say. Why? Because I was a child, who had never had attention from a boy, let alone a man. I was coming into my teenage years. I was manipulated down to the core. So, as twenty-two year old me I answer that question, with full understanding of the situation, and say yes. Of course. How could I not like the attention, the special treatment, the whirlwind of bullshit that was feed to me making me feel like the sun shined out of my ass. He promised me things. He told me he loved me. And, I believed it all.

My saving grace: Oprah.
After school one day, I happened to turn on Oprah to watch with my sister. The show was all about sex offenders. She even had a convicted offender on there to interview. As he began to explain the process that occurs in every sexual predators agenda, the tears began uncontrollably falling from my eyes. Silently I escaped to my bedroom to sob, I didn't want my sister to ask what was wrong. It was in that moment I realized I had been being sexually abused. The realization sparked a feeling of freedom. However, this was only me stepping into the roller coaster ride I was getting on. 

Detectives, District Attorneys, & Court. 
Going to the police station to deliver a statement felt like I had fallen into a black hole after smacking my head on a rock, blacking out. Dazed and confused. Scared and sad. I was plainly lost. In my heart and mind. In my statement I left out a major part, feeling like I was betraying my abuser even though I had full knowledge of the wrongness and severity of it all. Even though I voluntarily confessed it all to begin with. Being manipulated for months and months, there was a feeling of guilt I had for "telling" on him. I later confessed that portion of my abuse to my mother, which was all that mattered in my heart.

I'll tell you what, having to leave ninth grade early for court hearings wasn't fun. The worst part was explaining or trying to think of an excuse to tell my teachers. (They always managed to ask why I was leaving the days it was for court.) Court, for me, was the worst part about the entire situation. My character was questioned. I was screamed at by his lawyer in the court room. I walked out of there feeling like a puddle of nothingness. He was found not guilty. This, I feel was due to the fact that my case was combined with another girls and we had a DA, not our own lawyer. I've seen him at horse shows the  years following, around his young daughter and wife. That is life in full effect.

The Aftermath.
My mother is simply a guardian angel. Throughout the entire process she caught my tears, fought for me like a pit bull and, sadly, felt every emotion I was feeling. Until the day I die, I will forever appreciate how she stood by my side. If it wasn't for her, I might be half alive right now due to emotional stress.

My Family. A love like no other.

Therapy: My Mom encouraged me to seek therapy for everything I had went through. Once the first appointment was made, I sat through class all day anticipating the moment I'd have to sit in a chair across from a stranger to spew everything I didn't want to tell anyone. Once we arrived to the therapist office, I sat in the car to cry for about ten minutes before regaining courage to walk through the doors. After getting used to the sessions, I looked forward to getting it all off my chest. The issue I was having the hardest time with, was feeling like it was all my fault. It took me a while to get passed that.

The After, Aftermath.
Here I am, years later living life. Cleared from therapy years ago. Here I am, living this life feeling just fine. Then last fall I found myself at an emotional, almost breaking point with life. Needing an escape, answers, anything, I asked to go to Hippocrates Health Institute for my Christmas present. There I found my wounds re-opened, only to come out feeling better than I ever had about my sexual abuse. I didn't go there to heal from it, I had thought I'd done that already. Through unsafe conversations with strangers going through any and everything you could possibly imagine, it began to seep out of my heart. There I got to go through regressive memory therapy. During this, I got to go back into my bad memories to turn them into positive ones. That day was the day. I had found freedom. I could soar.


So Here I Am.
I ask this of you strongly. Do not feel sorry for me. Do not wish it never happened to me, because I don't. Living an experience of such has supplied me with tools to help others I may never have gained without going through it. I am thankful for every piece of it. If not for it, I may not have been on such a hunt to free my heart and in return form it into what I am now.

So when I speak of healing, I come from a place of knowledge. When you feel like life can't get any worse, appreciate those bad times because I can guarantee you life will only be more beautiful after your storms. My friends call me rainbows and butterflies. I haven't always been rainbows and butterflies. It's taken me years, tears, and a shit ton of "seeking" to become who I can say I am proud to be today.

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Most of you are probably thinking, "Why would you tell everyone all this? The real question should be, "Why wouldn't you tell everyone this?" I don't anyone to ever feel alone. I want everyone to realize a few things.

The Lessons In All of This:

Keep no secrets.

Speak to yourself, friends and family from your heart. Secrets will only fester, to make you literally sick one day. This is fact. 

Don't judge anyone, ever.

At the end of the day, we all hurt, love and want to be loved. Take your meaningless judgements you want to put on someone else and ask yourself, "What is it I'm judging them for that is actually my personal issue?" You NEVER know the journey a person has been on. Be kind with your words and thoughts, please.

Feel whatever emotions you may have.

When you feel an emotion in it's entirety as it comes, it makes it easier to accept it and leave it behind. You then can smile. Your feelings are there to feel, so do so. Embrace what's in your heart. (Especially the pit of your heart, where you SHOVE everything.)

Above all, know you can come to me. My heart and ears are open to whoever may need them. Once I realized I wasn't alone, it was easier to feel alive again. You are never alone.

SIDE NOTES:

My Goddaughter is being born on Thursday! I've been waiting for this for months. (Obviously) I'm honored, nervous, and extremly excited!

The parents. Vito and Sandra Russo.

(Who I went to Italy with!)



Went White Water Rafting with friends Sunday. (HIGHLY RECCOMENNED)

Took a few pictures:

Corey and Jorge.

These sunglasses. :)



Forever Love.